NASA Swears They Aren't Hiding Slave Children on Mars



Alex Jones—the bellowing conspiracy dynamo who sometimes plays an animated bellowing conspiracy dynamo—dropped some heavy knowledge on his Infowars viewers Thursday, as his guest claimed that NASA is secretly colonizing Mars with kidnapped child slaves, MediaMatters reports.

Jones invited ex-CIA Trump fan Robert David Steele onto Thursday’s program, and the pair launched into a wholly rational discourse on the existence of illicit Martian slave youths.

“This may strike your listeners as way out, but we actually believe that there is a colony on Mars that is populated by children who were kidnapped and sent into space on a 20-year ride,” Steele says.

Jones doesn’t miss a beat.

“I know that 90 percent of the NASA missions are secret and I’ve been told by high level NASA engineers that you have no idea, there is so much stuff going on,” Jones responds. “I don’t know about Mars bases, but I know they’ve created massive, thousands of different types of chimeras that are alien lifeforms on this earth now.”

Jones may throw the word “chimera” around more casually than Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 2, but Steele’s conspiracy theory is pretty flimsy even for Infowars. Nevertheless, NASA felt it necessary to set down their beakers of rocket fuel or whatever and clear the air on the issue. As one might expect, the agency clarified that there is not, in fact, a space child slave colony on Mars. We haven’t managed to put space-adults there yet, much less space-kids.

“There are no humans on Mars,” NASA spokesman Guy Webster told the Daily Beast on Thursday, presumably releasing an exhausted sigh while pinching the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. “There are active rovers on Mars. There was a rumor going around last week that there weren’t—there are. But there are no humans.”

Huh. Seems a little suspicious. Isn’t that exactly what you’d say if an angry internet buffoon inadvertently stumbled across your dastardly space plot?

Watch the entire batshit Infowars segment above and marvel at the fact that a major government agency felt obligated to respond.

River Donaghey



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